I am not a good cook; neither am I, a professional baker; but, during occupational therapy at the Penn Rehabilitation Center, I stretched myself and baked Bread Pudding with my exercise partner Miss Lois. In the first attempt, the dough did not rise in the oven; because, we did not give enough time for the yeast to rise prior to putting it in the oven. Miss Lois and I were frustrated; but, we made a second attempt. We learned from our mistakes and made changes to our approach. We were happy because we succeeded and our pudding was a hit. All the hospital staff got to taste it.
It has been one year already since I got discharged after five weeks of intense rehabilitation in the hospital. This taught me to be patient with recovery and to try new things like baking Bread Pudding; because, life is a gift meant to be shared. It is with this framework that I come to this course, Coaching and Facilitating Teams. This course is like the heat in the oven; and, I am the dough that is to rise. It has not been easy, much like learning to walk again. Each step is a struggle to win back the dream of possibilities. I am stretched and worked out, both in walking and in learning, while attending Coaching and Facilitating Teams. I celebrate every hard earned win with the increment metric as a milestone.
I come to every class to learn courage. As Smith and Berg (1987) note, “It demands courage to fully belong to a group, to struggle with forming an identity through involvement with others… To trust enough to self-disclose, when the available signs suggest the instability of the social contexts in which we find ourselves, requires courage.” (Gillete, J. & McCollom, M., 1995)
I have avoided group settings in the work place; and, I realize I am a loner. My career roles have always been lonely roles of a writer and a teacher. I am comfortable with this fact. It is who I am. This explains as I have learned that I am Adapting Dealing and Supporting Giving in my LIFO scores in Groups. I am not configured for, and I suck at planning or giving out directions. I am not comfortable being in authority. I am more sporadic and under the influence of muse and adventure. I work in silos. And I admit that I have to work on learning how to communicate “processes and results” to others so that we may collaborate.
The murder activity and the scavenger hunt made me think back on why I cringe on the inside. Is it because I always played by myself, ran after news stories, and wrote about them by myself? Or that I studied in the classroom by myself?
Through reflection of how I had behaved as our team “formed”, I realize that instead of getting in the way of group synergy, I almost always decide to keep quiet in the classroom activities and refuse leadership roles. I am silent because I also believe that “Courageous speech is indeed one mark of a leader, and it has long held people in awe. While some politicians and managers still fake it – and somehow manage to win elections and keep their jobs – the men and women with authentic presence do no such thing. They are as comfortable with silence as they are with speaking. And when they speak, they something worth saying, and they say it in a voice that emerges from deep inside them. And in their tone and presence we hear their distinctive emotional resonance as it represents their inner world and convictions.” (Cooper, 1996, p. 73-74)
I have shared to the team that I am quiet; just because, I am scared, what if the group doesn’t like me, what if I stick out like a sore thumb, what if the group members isolate and alienate me? What if I don’t keep up? What if I can’t deliver?
This fear is a result of the fact that I have been the victim of group bullying both in the school and in the workplace. This fear is a result of having failed to lead my work teams to succeed when I am assigned the leadership.
This is why I have anxiety coming to this class. What new activity are we doing? Please, I don’t want to fondle oranges and get blindfolded today. Why so? The pressing question: Will this be the day when I fail my group?
I contain this fear and I take the heat. I note my responses in group situations where I don’t do very well unlike when the task is to work in silos. I do this with positive attitude; because, I have decided after surviving surgery that I would spend some time to learn to play with the other kids. It is time for the bread to rise. As I struggle, I find that everyone seems so smart and competent, and is able to share new insights.
Natalie is so competent and a qualified leader. Neil is systematic and thoughtful. John takes risks and puts himself out there. Rob is a true sports man and plays to win. I, on the other hand, am just lost on how to manage myself. But I put on a brave face, and stay on nonetheless.
My strategy is to decide to be authentic in this class. I decide to be Sara and be consistent to the integrity of my life story while searching for symbols for our team rules, while offering a suggestion in maintenance meetings, while assuming a quiet kind of leadership.
I end by saying I have already faced the possibility of death. I have been poked, sliced, examined, and drugged. I also have baked bread pudding.
It is time to stretch a bit, take the heat, and learn that I have leadership potential to make a difference in other people’s lives.
I do so as I aim for authentic presence. I commit myself to “wholehearted attentiveness, genuine concern, and creative curiosity rather than politics, evasiveness, spite, manipulation, dominance, or entitlement.” (Cooper, 1996, p. 68)
